the griff

Angela Johnston, the griff’s resident  sex columnist, explores sex and

relationships each week in Between the Sheets. Send her your queries, and

feel free to keep them anonymous. Write her at sex@thegriff.ca.

Angela Johnston - columnist

Q. My girlfriend loves to send me naked pictures of herself when we don’t get to see each other for long periods of time. I’m not too sure what route of action on how to respond to these (I have sent her pics of me without a shirt on flexing and whatnot but never anything lower than my belly button). Do girls really want to see pictures of their boyfriends’ nether regions? Should I be concerned she will be showing these to her friends? I have never shown her pictures to any of my buddies. Please help! #awkwardnudist

A. It’s pretty common these days to send your partner — or, heck, even strangers on the web — nude photos of yourself. It’s mostly innocuous to do so, but I needn’t cite all the political and celebrity casualties caused by naked shots being leaked; former U.S. congress representative Anthony Weiner’s twitter pics are a recent and memorable example. Political capital can be lost, but in some cases celebrities have benefited from the exposure (pun intended). As they say, “all publicity is good publicity.”

With that in mind, I understand your concern that people other than the intended recipient might see your photos. Even if you trust your partner, photos can last forever and you can’t guarantee their security once you send them out.

Chances are, if other people saw them at some point, you’d suffer little more than embarrassment. Your partner has already made herself vulnerable by sending you nude photos, so you’d simply be reciprocating. If she’s putting herself out there, it’s unlikely she would be insensitive when you do the same; she probably won’t show anyone your photos because you have collateral and could do the same. And yes, I bet she would be happy to see similar pictures of you; take cues from the style of her photos and mimic it.

As always, don’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable and when in doubt, just ask what your partner wants. There’s no better way to get a clear answer than to simply put the question out there.

Angela Johnston - columnist

Q. Dear Angela, 

I’ve been a university student for four years now and sadly am lacking the amount of “life experience” that a typical 22-year-old would expect to have at this time. I would consider myself a nice guy, which logically one would think would be a feature that female companions were attracted to, however I constantly watch myself get overlooked for complete douchebags, a tireless and frustrating experience. What exactly are girls looking for? Is my nice-guy behaviour ever going to get me anywhere, or should I embrace a more “bad guy” persona?

A. The first thing I take issue with is your usage of “typical 22-year-old.” I know our society is ripe with stereotypical images of college students, but few of us actually fit the mould. Despite what television and movies would have us believe, many students are virgins and don’t party with any regularity.

Regarding your particular situation, it’s unfortunately all too common. I agree that nice guys should do well with the ladies, and it makes me unspeakably sad that this isn’t the case. Like you, I watch women I care about fall for jerks all the time, and I see my nice guy friends strike out time and again.

I think it’s a hot mix of hormones and societal expectations for gender roles. If you’re willing to buy into the idea that in evolutionary terms women are attracted to he-men, it’s easy to imagine why the sweet dudes we know wouldn’t immediately turn us on.

The thing about the hormonal factor is that it doesn’t last for long, in my experience. Jerks are only attractive for a brief period of time, when the frustration of dealing with them makes you want to hate-fuck them. After the initial attraction passes, they just piss you off and if you’re wise, you dump them on the curb.

Gender roles play their part because despite the concept that we live in a post-feminist society, popular images still portray ripped dudes with zero personality and frail women who eat it up — just watch an episode of Jersey Shore. Take Pretty in Pink, for example; how could Andie have chosen Blane (the jock) over Duckie, her fellow freak and best friend? That ending felt so unbelievably tacked on that I could barely stomach it.

Bottom line? You might be more likely to end up a long-term boyfriend than a one-night stand, but you certainly shouldn’t aim to be a jerk or a “bad boy” simply to get laid. It’s not worth it; what you do can easily become who you are, and girls worth having will want the real you.

I know that sounds cliché, but I really believe it to be true.

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Q. I have a sneaking suspicion that my Sciatica was acting up when I had drunken sex with my boyfriend (and for the record, HE was drunk and I only had a couple) in which he was a little bit, um, enthusiastic. While I was on top, he grabbed me by the waist and proceeded to — I don’t know how to say this, so I will just say it — he proceeded to ram the heck out of me!

I think that this aggravated and/ or completely screwed up my back.

Do you think that this is possible? Can someone break, dislocate or otherwise mess up someone’s bones/ back/joints whilst having sex? Is this something that women should look out for when they get older? Or if they suffer from Sciatica?

A. For readers who don’t know, Sciatica is a painful condition caused by damage or irritation to the sciatic nerve, which runs through the lower back, buttocks, pelvic area and leg. Sciatica pain and numbness can be mild to severe.

“A lot of times patients will notice the pain shooting all the way down their leg,” Dr. Paul Wong, a physician at MacEwan Health Services, explained.

Dr. Wong confirmed that sex — especially rough sex — could indeed aggravate Sciatica.

“A lot of activity will aggravate Sciatica,” he pointed out.

Many activities such as walking, cycling and running could also worsen the pain.

I absolutely think that it is possible to injure yourself in myriad ways when having sex. Considering the number of sexual positions and levels of force possible, not to mention added kinks and fetishes, there are certainly risk factors for injury.

Older people (more at risk for osteoporosis) or those with conditions like arthritis are at greater peril and should take necessary precautions.

Of course, no one should have to give up sex simply due to physical ailments.

You may have to explain to your boyfriend that rough sex aggravates your Sciatica and ask him to take it easy for awhile, especially if you’ve been really active in terms of biking and walking as well.

There are many different types of sex and there’s no reason you can’t adjust your routine to avoid injury. If it hurts less to do it doggy style than to do it missionary (or vice versa), for example, then favour one position over another. Even if intercourse hurts, you should at least be able to exchange oral sex in the meantime.

I’ll offer you the same advice I give myself when I want to knit but my wrists are aching from too much time spent on the computer:

Aggravate it too much now and you’ll be screwed (or not) later.

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Q. How do I auto-erotic asphyxiate myself? Is it safe? What are the dangers? What kind of rope do I use?

A. Unfortunately, there is no safe way to asphyxiate yourself for erotic pleasure. Erotic asphyxiation has resulted in death for many people who have partaken in the practice, both solo (auto-erotic asphyxiation) or with a partner.

Technically referred to as hypoxyphilia, the act works like this: by restricting blood flow to the brain, feelings of lightheaded giddiness are produced, increasing the pleasure of sexual sensations. People often do this alone, using methods of self-hanging, choking and suffocation.

People who take part in erotic asphyxiation often harbour other fetishes, mostly of the masochistic variety and cross dressing.

The risky part is the potential for a person to lose consciousness during the act, resulting in prolonged asphyxiation and eventually death.

According to forensic psychiatrist Dr. Stephen Hucker’s written work on hypoxyphilia, most cases of death happen because a safety measure intended to keep the participant from losing consciousness failed.

Dr. Hucker has worked with living people who practice autoerotic asphyxiation and has found that they are aware of the inherent risks, but choose to partake in the ritual with some regularity.

Tools used can include rope, belts, ties or anything other strangling apparatus, as well as plastic bags or other suffocating devices.

Aside from the risk of death, repeatedly depriving your brain of oxygen can cause brain damage over time. I wish I could offer a safe alternative for autoerotic asphyxiation, but unfortunately all I can say is that it would be best to just fantasize about this rather than trying to act it out.

Sexual gratification is one of the spices of life, but I don’t want you to lose your life for it.